I write here firmly rooted in mid-life.
So far, so good: no crises yet.
I comfort myself with recent research which claims the Mid Life Crisis is just a construct of Western society which emerged some time in the 19th century.
According to the Washington Post, a 1999 study by John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation Research Network on Successful Midlife Development (MIDMAC) collected together the evidence of 11 studies covering 8,000 men and women in the USA.
The majority of them told the project that mid-life was good. In one study 750 people were interviewed, and only 23 per cent actually admitted having had a mid-life crisis. And only 8 per cent said their crisis was because they were ageing.
The MIDMAC team says the concept is only really found in Western culture where we seem to have a culture which “emphasises the….biology of ageing.”
Despite this research there are myriad apocryphal accounts of those who have dealt creatively with the advent of their forties.
One concerns an old merchant’s marriage to girl young enough to be his daughter.
I am dramatising, of course. In 1392, it was quite usual for mature men to take as wives very young women indeed.
But he was faced with the eternal problem. Because beautiful though she may well have been, she was purportedly a total nightmare at running an influential businessman’s household.
What to do? The Merchant of Paris had words very early in the marriage with his beautiful wife. It is possible, reading between the lines, that he had found fault with her in public.
But unskilled as she might be, she was wise beyond her years. One night she waited until bedtime and, when the merchant was filled with understandable ardour; and she tackled him over his correction.
He takes up the story in his introduction: “…You promised me to give all heed and to set all care and diligence to keep my peace and my love, as you spoke full wisely, and as I well believe, with other wisdom than your own, beseeching me humbly in our bed, as I remember, for the love of God not to correct you harshly before strangers nor before our own folk, but rather each night, or from day to day, in our chamber, to remind you of the unseemly or foolish things done in the day or days past, and chastise you, if it pleased me, and then you would strive to amend yourself according to my teaching and correction, and to serve my will in all things, as you said. ”
He must have been a pompous partner. But his housekeeping advice was surprisingly sound, in particular the section which pertains to recipes.
They are quite wonderful: recipes for cabbage chowder and cherry pottage, chicken crowned with eggs and mixed pickles, and so much more. He must have loved his food. I wonder if her cooking turned out to be as momentous as his writing?
This pragmatic approach to managing one’s mid-life decisions is admirable: but one couldn’t expect a warrior to act in the same restrained vein.
What does a warrior do when he has reached 40? Python member Terry Jones outlines the decision of one such soldier in his Mediaeval Lives.
Herluin was a Norman warrior; he reached his crisis 35 years before William came over to claim England. He could take mens’ lives no longer: as Jones observes, these actions do tend to send one to hell.
So he opted to become a conscientious objector.
How does a conscientious objector keep the wolf from the door? Why, he turns to the holy life.
He arrived at a monastery door, a bit on-edge, as you might imagine. He felt, says his mediaeval biographer Gilbert Crispin, as if this were the very gate of Heaven.
But as he looked into the monastery what he saw was anything but monkish behaviour. Crispin does not go into details: he says “They were all very far from observing the serious way of life which monkish life demands.”
Now he doubted his decision. Was he really meant to join these oafish oiks?
As he dithered at the door, the warden caught sight of him.
“Thinking him to be a thief,” Crispin continues, “[he] hit him as hard as he could on the neck and dragged him out of the door by his hair.”
Herluin was not put off. He ended up building his own monastery where one could be a monk without being mugged.
These two stories are from a very long time ago. The MIDMAC studies claim the concept of mid-life emerged during the 19th century. Is it just a figment of our Western imaginations?
The Merchant of Paris and Herluin: two men who might vehemently disagree.
Picture source here
Kate Shrewsday 
I think I had more of a ‘crisis’ about the dreaded 30 than anything else. Once it arrived it was a bit of a non-event, and then life just got better. Maybe I’m nearly at midlife š
Now, why didn’t we all think of issuing a contract like that when we found our partners? Puts modern day ‘pre-nups’ into a different bracket………
I never thought of it as a postnup, Myfanwy š Great angle!
I love the idea of a mid-life-crisis being a construct of Western society.
The question raises its head: what is mid-life these days?
So many are living until 100 maybe mid-life isn’t until we reach our 50s? And at 51 I can report no such crisis, yet, apart from the menopause, which I’ll not go into here.
However I feel a little crisis moment may loom when my eldest goes off to Uni. A half empty nest issue?
Watch this space in October of the coming year!!!
(I suspect a slight typo with this line:’He arrived a a mo door,’ – or am I missing something? )
Fear not, Pseu, I have not gone all Tolkeinesque and begun to develop my own language. We were off to London early, and my editing before posting left something to be desired today! Thanks for the heads -up- I read your comments and changed it on the train to London.
If you follow the Washington Post article link you will see that the MIDMAS study tackled ‘what is mid-life’ question. Interestingly, the older the interviewee was, the later they thought it came…
October: gosh. I shall hold my breath for you all. It’s a big moment: but I am sure, knowing your family’s unflappable attitude to life, it will go smoothly. What is your eldest studying?
I think that mid-life crisis situations are real, although partly self fulfilling prophecies. One’s evaluation of their station in life becomes more circumspect as you enter that stage of your life where you ask yourself the following questions. First, is this all there is?? Second, why am I not as happy as I think I should be??
It’s probably somewhat natural to ask yourself why you’re not further ahead in your career as you enter your late 30’s and early 40’s. If you have not attained a position in life that you expected, you may turn to other aspects of life to “prove yourself” worthy. It may be a flashy car, perhaps a younger man or woman, maybe quitting a job to go “on a quest”.
The happy question combined with the “is this all there is” question can lead to some serious mid-life changes. You look around and determine that the relationship you’re in is toxic and you must find a way out. When children are involved, it is really hard to make the break; but, in the end it must be done. This may not be a true mid-life crisis so much as a result of poor decision making when one was much younger. No matter the case, the results appear to others as a mid-life crisis.
So, the question is whether or not a mid-life crisis is a figment of our Western imaginations… I would say that our Western lifestyles with all the opportunities available to us can provide the impetus for one to take a flyer and make a mid-life change. It’s more conducive to a “do-over” in life.
Great comments, Lou. There are indeed many opportunities for us in the West to change direction in the middle of life. Interestingly, Jung believed mid life was an important time for moving further towards a realisation of what is our true self. Your observations about correcting earlier decision making would seem to me to be in line with this.
So: maybe it’s not a mid life crisis: but a new opportunity to discover our true selves, at a time when we have the wherewithal to follow our dreams.
I am much happier in middle age than I ever was as a girl or young woman.
Me too, Tilly š
Well I had a quarter life crisis years ago and figment of my imagination or not, I can say it felt very real. So real it turned into a memoir. This post got me thinking… wow… I just recovered from that one… so now the midlife crisis is next? š
I’m fortunate to have many friends in mid-life or approaching it, and as I look ahead to a path not yet traveled, I’m inspired by the wisdom and understanding and acceptance that I see in their perspectives. I can imagine it’s scary, too. But maybe all life stages are like that in some way? Beautiful and terrifying? Peaceful and unsettling?
Angie, lovely to hear from you. I think you have hit the nail on the head, and the study backs you up:change can hit us at any stage of life, and with it come the highs and lows of learning to know our deepest selves. It sounds like you faced those lessons earlier than most of us.
I do not recall whether or not I had a mid-life crisis – it is so long ago. All of our near neighbours are in their late 80’s – this has the effect of making us feel like spring chickens – however, we are sadly deluded.
Sounds like a secret for happiness: settle near octogenarians. Thanks, Rosemary, we’ll start scoping the neighbourhood š
Provocative post, Kate, with an already interesting cache of comments.
I’ve always felt mid-life crisis was a construct of Western society that manifested itself when all of us “baby boomers” reached our forties or so. I say “us” as I am among the swelling throng that are now considered “senior citizens”.
My crisis came at age 38. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, but, once I figured out it was because my dad had passed away when I was 19, I found it easy to move on.
There was a television show here in the States, Northern Exposure, about an interesting mix of citizens in the fictional town of Cicely, Alaska. In one of the episodes, two of the characters were having mid-life crisis; one was about 25 years old. His father had died around 50. The other, way past what we considered middle age, was having his own. His father had lived to be something like 100. Funny. You made me think of it just now.
Off I go to cash in on a senior discount.
Maybe, Penny, we drag our baggage just about as far as we can. I discovered I had more time of my own to fight old demons in my forties; but I also had a new resolve. Perhaps that mindset is important for tackling important aspects which have not yet been addressed, who knows.
Our fathers and mothers: such elemental characters in our lives. It is no wonder they influence our impressions of our own mortality.
I see several reasons for the recent conception of the mid-life crisis:
(1) Years ago, what with scalp-hungry Indians, inquests, and epidemics, people often died at “40” . . . give or take a few years. If they wanted to have a mid-life crisis, they needed to schedule it for their late teens/early 20’s.
Of course, at that age, they were far too busy “coming of age” to turn around and do an about face. Far too early in the “rat race” to realize they were “going the wrong way.”
(2) Until we decided as a species that we were “here to be happy” (rather than to just slog along), there was really no reason to have a crisis.
“Ours NOT to reason WHY . . . ours but to DO or DIE.”
(3) Money, Time and Options. We have more leisure time to wonder why our pursuit of happiness isn’t panning out and to compare notes with others and realize that we MUST have double sinks and granite countertops in the master bath if we are ever to be happy.
The world is smaller. We see all the things that we are missing.
Back in the day, if our neighbor didn’t have a WIDGET . . . we probably didn’t know that WIDGETS were available as an object to desire.
Etc.
Nancy, a characteristic of Paine-style common sense, thank you š Life has got better, longer, more leisurely and now we have time- and a window on the world’s living conditions- to reason why. We know more about what we’re not. It seems that tree of knowledge with its seductive fruit can be rather destructive unless we have the strength to value what makes us happy.
I’m 44. I live in a shabby semi-detached house with a smelly dog and not two pennies to rub together thanks to school fees. But I have to admit that I am very happy: my life is filled with blessings: right until I start to look at what material goods the world can offer.
Seems to me those apples are still hanging on the tree in Eden, to this day.
Aah . . . Kate. That’s it you know.
Happiness is NEVER in things. It’s in us. And when we look within, we find it waiting to blossom and bloom EXACTLY where we are planted. š
Not to gush, or anything, Nancy: but you really are brilliant. I was very lucky the day i found your blog.
Thanks, Kate!!! I feel EXACTLY the same about you, you know. š
Interesting topic, delightfully explored, thanks Kate…poor old Herluin! My personal solution to feeling perpetually young (although not by design) was to marry a man 10 years older – works an absolute treat for me š
I’m glad to hear it, Naomi š I think Herluin made good in the end in his new chosen direction: his abbey was true to the principles of the early monks.
I will be 35 this year, which was, and not so long ago, mid-life. I admit, I feel like I’m really getting started just now. But then again, I often argue that a comfortably middle-class American’s twenties are quite often an extended infancy, and my own were no exception.
And I was married and a homeowner before I was 30. Make of that what you will.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to the next 10-15 years. I have real goals now, and a sense of self, and a history to refer back to. What’s to crisis over?
Quite.Life is just too promising to veer off course now š
I’ve joked that deciding to write a novel is my mid-life crisis. In truth, I don’t view it that way. I think we all come to a place in life where we decide what we REALLY want, and some of us take a risk and go for it. That is the case with me. I’ve spent two decades working in positions that have been lucrative but unfulfilling, and I do not want to spend the rest of my life knowing I might’ve created something wonderful if only I had tried.
I think that’s the seed that spurs a lot of this behavior. Like Lou said, most of us in Western society have many choices. Some of us mature faster than others. I have the guts to risk things in my forties that were unthinkable in my twenties. It’s harder. More is at stake. Failure will be more public and will probably cost far more money. But, at 42, I refuse to spend another second of my life wondering “what if?”.
If there’s another thing that history teaches us it is this: people are the same. The concept of a mid-life crisis may not have been coined in the 1300’s because mid-life, for many people, was some teenage number. Many people hoped to live to see their forties without ever making it there. When people were lucky enough to live that long, as you have demonstrated, they behaved much the same way they do now, only choosing different things from the available smorgasbord of options.
Great post.
Thanks Andra, and thanks for that amazing set of observations. We have a steely resolve in our forties: it will help us reach further than we ever thought possible. I loved your post today, full of the steel which must, surely, propel you where you need to go. Here’s to 2012 and the progress it will bring.
I think the misconception that once we reach adulthood we have a firm sense of identity has much to do with it, Kate, when, in fact, we continue to change, evolve and question throughout our lives, and which, it seems to me, is an entirely natural process. But our society overlays all these constructs about where we should be, what we should have achieved, how we should look, etc, etc. And if we take these to heart then we can suffer all the well known anxieties of the so-called mid-life crisis: status anxiety, age anxiety…the list goes on.
Interesting post. Thx
I totally agree, and you put it beautifully as usual. Shoulds and musts. Got to watch those shoulds and musts.
Now that I am 62 I have decided that the time to have a mid life crisis when you are actually mid life. Like 92 or something.
Absolutely , Carl š
I’ll be 50 in the coming year. Should I have a crisis because I don’t feel that I’m where I think that society thinks I should be? Hmmmm….
I’m not far behind you Vera. I think we’ll pass, shall we?
Well, I have a BIG birthday coming up this spring. I haven’t yet had my mid-life crisis, though, and I think it may have to do with where I live. Being so close to tinsel-town denial of “real age” is commonplace, and I am choosing to live in my own fantasy! I am grateful for every year, though, and since I have lost friends through the years who died too soon and would have loved to be my “old” age I can’t give in to any age-related crisis. And since I’ve decided to live past the century mark, I’m really only a little past middle age. It works for me. You’ve kind of given me a little gift and a smile as I enter my “new decade”–so thank you, Kate. You always add so much. Debra
For me, when I hit my 40’s I heard a clock begin to tick. Not the biological clock of vanishing child-bearing years. Not the clock of vanity (who’s that woman in the mirror!). I think it is simply a clock that reminds me that life is finite and if I intend to do the things I really want to do, I need to get cracking at it. No more time for fear or self-doubt. Got enough experience and toughness now to tackle things. Tick-tock…
You said it all, Elizabeth. There comes a time when one has to get serious. Good luck as you embark on your book…
There are definitely ‘turning points’ in one’s inner life. many offer changes that are so easily adopted and assimilated that there is no nasty ‘crisis’ – others come with more difficult decisions and consequences.
it seems just when we are most busy with life, along comes the sub-conscious to push one into new directions
i think they are just ‘growing pains’ and when you stop growing………. well then you are dead
A lovely, balanced perspective, Sidey, thank you. I think we’ll carry on growing, don’t you?
What a wonderful post…I’m glad you found me this morning! I just hit 42, and I wouldn’t say I am experiencing a midlife crisis, but perhaps a midlife adjustment. I am about to celebrate my 19th Anniversary (happily!) and I have three children, ages 14, 10, and 4. My life is very full. I left a career in teaching when my last child was born, and miss it, but am not sure it is what I am meant to return to. My predicament is that I have met each goal I made for myself in my twenties, and I am right where I hoped I would be…I guess I just didn’t think beyond these years. Now I find myself a bit lost…definitely enjoying the present, but my future is a fuzzy picture, one I can’t seem to clarify. Ah, well…the adventure continues. š
Gracious, you’re right, you might be telling my story! Thanks for coming over to take a look – I loved that beautiful picture of yours today. The feeling of opportunity that haunts these years is seductive and baffling: I hope your future comes into focus, and you achieve what you yearn for: which is the same wish I have for myself š