So, there were these sailors.
And they were floating out there in the Japanese sea, and they had been for some hours. Their boat was gone, and there was nothing for them but the mercy of the deep blue sea.
As you can imagine, they were relieved to be rescued. Hypothermia is not an easy thing to resist. Violent shivering, muscles which refuse to co-ordinate; muddled thinking. It is a dangerous time, waiting for rescue in marine waters.
Having cheated death, they were revived and de-briefed. And that, Dear Reader, is when it all went belly-up.
Because the moment they opened their mouths to divulge the cause of the shipwreck which had almost claimed their lives, they were summarily arrested.
Police took a dim view of their claim that a large cow had fallen out of the sky, there in the Sea of Japan, and that it had struck the fishing trawler on which they were working so industriously.
Not that a cow, falling from a great height, couldn’t do some serious damage.
Posterity, and the journalists involved, did not ascertain what kind of cow it was. If it was small you’re looking at 600-900 pounds – some 42 -64 stone – and if is a biggie, one might estimate 1000 – 1600 pounds, or between 71 and 114 stone.
Add to that the velocity of a cow which may have hurtled some distance and you will agree it was enough to scupper a respectable fishing craft.
No: it was not the physics that caused the authorities a certain amount of incredulity; rather, it was the geography.
For as we know, these docile grass-converters are land lubbers. They rarely even paddle, except possibly across some country stream to get to their dinner. The location of the cow was highly problematic.
There was one additional cog in the proverbial works of the mens’ tale: cows are not known for their flying skills. Generally, they are believed to walk wherever they want to go. Occasionally, the farmer will give them a lift up the road. But that’s the extent of their travel options.
So when the fishermen claimed a docile cow had taken to the skies in a frankly aggressive strike, well offshore: you can understand the authorities felt there might be something amiss.
The gentlemen of the trawler were invited to rest and recover in jail.
Two weeks later, their fortunes were reversed in a serendipitous, but highly unlikely, resolution, courtesy of a most unusual source: the Russian Air Force.
What took them so long, the fishermen muttered between gritted teeth.
Beef is a coveted commodity the world over. Its storage, however, especially on long haul flights, can be tricky.
A number of members of the air force had conceived of a new, improved way to transport beef. Just fly the cow.
They had stolen a cow and taken it on board their plane. They reasoned, quite logically, that if they could transport the cow back to Mother Russia there would be beef for all for some time to come.
But they failed to foresee one thing: cows are really awful fliers.
They start to hyperventilate the moment they get into First Class. They are all staring eyes and “Oh,no, I’m going to die”. Every airplane disaster movie you have ever seen plays on the inside of their enormous cow retinas. All attempts at meditation and relaxation on behalf of the flight crew fall on deaf ears. Cows on planes spread panic and despondency.
And they can’t sit still.
You try telling a cow to fasten her seatbelt. It is a pointless exercise, as the Russian airmen found to their cost. By the time the plane was airborne the cow was on Planet Panic, lumbering around the area, causing sizeable problems for the pilot and everyone else by thrashing about.
They reached 30,000 feet, and the cow had definitely overstayed its welcome.
They opened the hatch and jettisoned it, sacrificing one for the good of all.
And they did this just over the Sea of Japan.
A deluge is defined as something which overwhelms, as if by a great flood. The cow was only one, there was no superfluous water involved, but it sure was overwhelming. A deluge of one.
Unusual things have been dropping out of the sky since the world was young. Fish, starlings, worms: they’ve all had their moments.
The incongruity of such deluges from above does give one pause for thought. But there is usually a perfectly simple explanation, for example: ‘some Russian airman kidnapped a cow and dropped it from 30,000 feet on my ship.’
Great Yarmouth, a seaside resort here in the UK, is considered the most likely geographic location for large quantities of fish to be dumped from a great height onto its shores. Cool air hits warm air, causing mini tornadoes which suck the fish up and move them a few miles landwards, apparently.
But my favourite deluge with a difference purportedly happened in a little area of outstanding beauty in Russia, called Meschera.
It rained money: but not your common-or-garden roubles.
The deluge, in mid-June 1940, consisted of coins from the 16th century. State archaeologists were brought in to examine the finds; the best explanation they could come up with was that a storm had lifted a find which had been exposed by soil erosion.
There is more than one way to stage a deluge, as you can plainly see.
Next time you cast despairing eyes up to those burgeoning skies, have a care.
An umbrella simply may not be enough.
Kate Shrewsday 
This is fascinating. Those poor sailors. They probably didn’t want to admit to the cow in the first place, and then to be arrested for telling the truth. I’m glad they got a happy ending.
My family had a Holstein steer that flew over fences, causing considerable inconvenience for my father, but I don’t think he ever got to 30,000 feet.
Have you read (sort of) the picture book Tuesday, by David Wiesner? Flying frogs.
I haven’t, and I feel I must 🙂 Phil and I were echoing your thoughts exactly earlier: what are the chances of the Russian government actually owning up to something like that? Your Holstein steer sounds extremely talented and a challenge for anyone who might want to keep it in…
When I was 11 years old my father was almost fatally wounded when a piece of steel chipped off a hammer and completely pierced his left eye and beyond up into the rear of the eye cavity as he was working. He drove himself home with that eye on his cheek! He was then was then driven to the hospital by a neighbor(named Luke)and I had to wait in fear all through the night in the waiting room all alone . I was terrified. The only thing to do was read and I found a Reader’s Digest and read the story of the greatest sea rescue of all. In 1943 the plane carrying Eddie Rickenbacker, America’s WW I ace and hero went down over the Pacific. He and the men were adrift for 21 days. His faith in God pulled them through. After the war Rickenbacker lived in south Florida and founded Eastern Airlines. I then knew my father would live.We lived in Miami near the airport.See, Dad was a landing gear mechanic at Eastern Airlines and used to see Capt. Rickenbacker all the time. And although Dad lingered near death for several days I know why God led me to find that magazine and to read. God was telling me father would survive. That was 1960. Dad’s 87 now. Doesn’t seem like he’ll be leaving this earth anytime soon either. And I also know why God led me to that magazine 50 years ago when I was 11 years old.
Carl, that must have been a very long night for a very young person, my heart aches just reading your story. Sometimes we are sent the right information at the right time, and the story carries you through one of your darkest hours. I am immeasurably glad your father has been there with you all these years. 21 days is a long time to be adrift, and the sea is so vast: what a steadfast message for you at that time.
I have heard of the fish from above, but the cow is a new one.
I half giggled and half worried over this one.
now that an unbrella and the tinfoil around my head will not protect me from anything than the rain and alien radiowaves, what else do I need when venturing outdoors?
A cow guard, I think 🙂
Poor cow. 😦
Chicken Little’s attention on the falling sky (and other assorted debris) makes ever more sense now.
Thanks, Kate.
It was not a good end for the cow, Nancy 😦 Lets hope the Russian airmen got their come-uppance.
I knew this would be a good one as soon as I saw your picture.
Some years ago, around Halloween, two skydivers having a bit of fun over the vast, rich cornfields of Illinois, decided to toss a pumpkin to each other midair. It was such a surprise to the farmer’s wife to see a pumpkin come crashing through here kitchen ceiling as she was brewing the morning coffee. Restitution was made by the two catchers and I think the wife made some pie.
LOL that must have been quite an event, Penny! Time to work on the skydiver’s ball skills, I think…
I’ve been trying to find the words to make a witty comment, but I’m failing!
Poor cow.
LOL. The puns will start flowing in a couple of minutes and then they’ll never stop….you won’t be able to sleep for punning….
You seem to recognise my problem…. Is there a cure?
Nope. It’s a life-long affliction, I live with a fellow punner.
They didn’t make a mis-steak?
Did they milk the story for all it was worth?
And right on cue! Top marks!
The cattle was low(er) ing, (very fast.)
Bovine flu?
She didn’t so much fly as plummet (thank you Monty Python)
I need a drum and a cymbal with all speed.
Monty python and that weight – that’s where this train of thought started!
Maybe I should stop now?!
And go back to my poem in the making… are you going to try the exercise?
I’ll have a go when this headache clears off. It started going down the other side of my head yesterday evening. Of course, it’s not stopping me gazing at screens but I think maybe it should….
Yes, probably you’re right.
Poor you.
(I must say I get migraines, but quite infrequently. When I do I’m out of action completely… unable to function or even put a sentence together, quite frightening really.)
Nasty things.
Poor cow.
😀