So there we were, minding our own business, eating Sunday lunch a cinq at our local munchery as the rain pelted down outside, when this frog flew in through the door at a rate of knots.
Breathless and death-defying, the little amphibian did not stop to appraise the audience which was gawping with mouths which were possibly a little too wide given the company.
Leaping in crazy-cornered directions he managed to develop a trail of flustered waiters and waitresses as he flipped and flopped under and over guest’s tables, threatening the very dishes the paying public were poised to eat.
It was all great fun. Here was chaos, not even organised. Somewhere in my head, the theme to Mission Impossible was playing.
This was Action Frog. Wadda Guy.
He flip-flopped around, leading his black-and-white entourage up-table and down-aisle until he reached the rustic stable-door exit. At which moment a flighty waitress opened the latch, squeaking uncontrollably, and the frog catapulted out into the great outdoors: namely, the Beer Garden.
How did he know it was there? We can never be sure. But my best guess is that he was dared by his mates to streak through a restaurant peopled with humans who generally eat the legs of his compatriots.
I never saw him again. But I did recall a scene I have seen of late, on BBC’s ‘Life’ nature programme. It concerns a frog of some considerable ability.
In essence, BBC editors and soundtrack maestros give the frog the Hollywood treatment. There’s this snake creeping up on this tiny toad/frog character, and the snake’s all flickering tongue and glossy wicked-black livery and you’re thinking how? How is this tiny warty chap ever going to get out of this?
And the music goes all tense as the frog comes eye to eye with the snake and we anticipate him shuffling off this mortal coil.
But the frog has other ideas. He flings himself off the leaf of doom and takes a suicidal drop, plummeting down through the greenery of a rainforest, gathering a lethal momentum until he manages, unbelievably, to grab a twig and haul himself to safety.
It’s beautifully done: worth the watch. An object lesson in how to handle a Bad Day.
Frogs and toads have hidden talents too: their skins can exude toxins, and even substances which could be used as recreational drugs. Licking toads, I am advised, can be extremely dangerous.
So: don’t try that one at home.
Because The Church Of The Toad Of Light recommended something similar, back in a 1984 leaflet which has found its doubtful way onto the global cyber highway.. You can find instructions for milking a toad and then using its venom to transport yourself, figuratively, to another dimension.
The pamphlet’s author tells us: “Within thirty seconds, there will be an onset of almost overwhelming psychedelic effects. You will be completely absorbed in a complex chemical event characterized by an overload of thoughts and perception, brief collapse of the EGO, and loss of the space-time continuum…..and, most likely, you will experience a euphoric mood interspersed with bursts of unmotivated laughter.”
All this from milking a toad.
Little wonder that they are the stuff of fairy tales.
It’s the Russian ones I like the best: raw gruesome tale-telling to unsettle the little ones before bedtime.
Once upon a time, three princes were sent out to search for a consort.
They all shot arrows out of the castle to find their sweethearts. Naturally.
The eldest found a noblewoman, the second a merchant’s daughter. But the third landed in a swamp, and the youngest, Prince Ivan, must marry a frog.
The frog, of course, was no ordinary frog. She was disobedient to her father, and he turned her into a little amphibian as punishment.
Deeply sweet-natured, the frog was ever patient with her husband. When his father set challenges for the three wives- bread-baking, rug-weaving – she excelled and outstripped her sisters-in-law. When the three wives were invited to present themselves she shed her frog skin, and filled the palace with grace and beauty.
Ivan saw the skin, and his chance, and he burnt it so she could never go back to her other form.
But enchantments are never straightforward: far from banishing the frog form, he perpetuated it, and his wife must leave him forever.
There began a romp which includes many of the Russian nightmare figures: Kostshei the deathless, that terrifying wizard-boyar; and Baba Yaga, the child-eating witch. Some versions of The Frog Princess even have a happy ending: some, not so much.
The frog is a most unlikely action hero: not handsome or significant, but plucky and honourable. He rivals Tom Cruise with his stunts, while the princess-frog enchants the highest in the land with her ingenuity.
But my favourite froggie action hero must be the character who took a bet with his amphibious mates and hared, for a few crazy minutes, around a Berkshire pub, in valiant search of a beer garden.
He has captured our hearts, spindly frogs legs and all.
Image source here
Kate Shrewsday 
I would have loved to be there to see this action frog with my own eyes !!! 😀 but you told the story so well that I can imagine the scene with every details !!!
PS: correct me if I’m wrong but I think you meant skins and not sins when you were talking about the toxins they can exude
You are correct, Matthias, I’ll change that 🙂 I wish your camera had been on hand. You would have done this superhero justice…
Wonderful, Kate!
(I am rather fond of frogs and lizards – but I have never eaten them… unless I suppose you count crocodiles?)
Hurrah! You’re back, Pseu! I was just about to wander round to yours with a “Helooooooo, is anyone in here?” message, but no need. We. have. missed. you!
Just steer clear or licking or smoking them, that’s my advice. Over to yours!
Nice to be missed! I hadn’t posted at 8.55 though! Head spin, post hols. Will improve once the mountain of washing has been tackled and at least 10 of the jobs have been crossed off the list. 🙂
Take your time 😉
Wonderful romp around the restaurant and round to the beer garden. I can hear the giggles and see the waiters ineptly attempting to escort the uninvited guest to leave the premises post haste.
Thanks for the re-introduction to the Frog Princess. It’s been some time since I’ve read it.
You’re welcome, Nancy. She was a superhero before her time 🙂
I like my local frogs. I can imagine one doing a mad dash around the house, cats in persuit of it and me in persuite of the cats to stop them grabbing him/her
Licking a toad has NEVER been anywhere on my bucket list, though I suspect with the wrong toad it could be the last thing on one’s bucket list.
Oh, what a grisly treat it would be for the cats…Kit kat looks deeply interested in frogs, even at her ripe old age.
I agree with your hypothesis: licking toads could be a fairly final experiment.
Lovely post – I hadn’t heard of a frog PRINCESS – only the usual tale of the frog turning into the handsome prince! However, I have had various of my dogs over the years catching frogs and spitting them out immediately (if not sooner!) due to the ghastly taste exuded by their skin.
LOL at least they don’t taste nice, Denise…that would be disastrous!
The little frogs found around homes and such are cute — provded they aren’t leaping unexpectedly onto your plate or into your lap. They do have their place, after all. As a child on my aunt’s farm we once had frog legs for dinner. I went down the the lake with my cousin as he rowed along the bank with a flashlight and shot bullfrogs I remember the fried frog legs as being a rather tasty treat, not unlike chicken wings. At only a bite or two each, it takes a fair number of them to make a meal.
So Superfrog would have done well te take a few of his mates with him. Pedtype! The more legs the better….some great memories there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bullfrog.
Captured mine, too. Great post.
Cheers, Tilly. Nothing like a small frog on a Monday morning, is there?
I used to have a toad living in my coal bunker. Fifteen frogs came to join him there – because it was a magnet for woodlice. He was a strange toad: He often came into my back room to defecate. Not reasonable behaviour – even for a toad.
No, I quite agree one should have high expectations for a resident toad such as this one. Must watch that whole woodlice thing: we have many woodlouse haunts: no point in turning into a five star toady hotel.
An enjoyable romp and tales, Kate. What a scene that must been in the restaurant! I love toads and toad tales, especially your telling of the Russian ones.
Our Jennifer once decided to pet a visiting toad. It was sitting on our front stoop. She can’t resist petting any creatures. This one sat, calmly, and let her stroke his skin. Her new boyfriend watched, not quite appreciating the scene. I quietly said “I don’t think I would do that if I were you”, but, like many young women, she ignored me. The toad then proceeded to exude a smelly substance at least three times bigger than itself, smiled, I swear, and hopped away.
The boyfriend married her.
Loved this one, Kate, and I could ‘see’ every second of that frog avoiding everyone in the restaurant. Brilliant!
I don’t need to lick any toads when I go dimension hopping though… I just end up there – wherever ‘there’ is! 😀
You have an enchantment more powerful even than a fairy-tale toad, Tom 😀
What a delight! From a pub to the jungle to Russian folk lore. You certainly know how to entertain!
The frog did the entertaining today, Earlybird…I just write his stuff down -D
Isn’t it amazing where a single incident in real life can take us?
It certainly is 🙂 Lovely to hear from you! Loved that post on Casablanca…must get it out again soon…
How comic! Sounds like he took a bit of his own venom before taking on the pub dare, Kate.
And that leap in the ‘Epic Frog’ clip!! Utterly astounding footage. Thanks – it’s made my day, which has only just started 😀
He had a really bad day, BB. Hope yours is much, much nicer…
Good for your little action hero, Kate 😀 As for not licking frogs, I second that since our late Shepherd, Tex, tried one out once, and landed up with a very frothy mouth…
😀 I’ll know what the problem is when Macaulay turns up with a frothy mouth, Naomi!
I hope you don’t mind me sharing your post, I know a lot of my readers will definately appreciate this post!
It was a lovely gesture, thank you! I did love that post of yours about British holiday complaints…