When I was a rookie journalist, I had a healthy respect for The Word Police.
Better known in their field as sub editors, the gift of writing – the artistry of stringing words together with utilitarian elegance – came a poor second to decent spelling and razor-sharp accuracy.
You’d write and file copy, and about fifteen minutes later someone would bawl ‘KATE!’
And you’d sigh, and prepare mentally for a mauling. “Why this word here? It doesn’t work. Change it.”
“Are you sure that’s how you spell Higginbottom? Have you triple-checked? Last time she chaired a planning committee she was called Higginbotham, but maybe she’s been up to the council offices since to change her name by deed poll.”
Trial by fire.
Word police come in all shapes and guises, not just from the obvious directions.
Scrabble has much to answer for with their harum-scarum jurisdiction over what is and is not a word. Ahem is allowed, it seems, along with nogs and oozy.
Dr Johnson would turn in his voluminous grave.
The Robert Peel of lexicography, his name is lore.
Dr Samuel Johnson, brilliant bombastic bobby, darling of his time and the centuries since. Yet this man spent the early part of his adult life as a pauper. Leaving home for London he and his friend David Garrick shared a horse, as was a common practice then: one would walk, the other ride; and then they would swap over. He later boasted that he arrived with just two and a half pence in his pocket.
It was a group of booksellers who changed his life, financing him to compile the first glossary of its size and scale. Johnson’s would be the single hand which would guide the cataloguing of the English language. He signed the contract on June 18, 1746.
The best part of a decade, it took him: his house was a shambles of copyists, and cluttered by huge piles of ancient books which he used to extinction. “The books he used for this purpose,” wrote friend and author Sir John Hawkins, “were what he had in his own collection, a copious but a miserably ragged one, and all such as he could borrow; which latter, if ever they came back to those that lent them, were so defaced as to be scarce worth owning”.
The result, like its lexicographer, was monumental. Eighteen inches tall and twenty inches wide, it had 42,773 entries. Johnson illustrated words in all manner of ways: not least his use of classical quotations to illustrate the meanings of his charges.
The rest is history. Johnson’s dictionary set the standards for all that came afterwards. Systems like the use of a ‘head word’ under which to classify its relatives were revolutionary. Above all, though, it was the succinct and often witty definitions which nailed those words to the page. A Word Chief Policeman, undoubtably.
That was more than 200 years ago: the policing of words has sauntered on until the advent of the unthinkable for Johnson: an alternative reality.
In the early days of the internet, did they foresee how it has become a cyber world, where one can meet and converse without ever meeting and conversing?
This is the Wild West of words, a place where folks abbreviate without law: where thank you becomes ‘thx’, and before sheds its elegance and dons B4. There are no fierce sub editors in the lower echelons of the blogging world (save Jan, my invaluable but voluntary sub). Dr Johnson is dead these 227 years, and he can help us no longer.
Into this void have scurried the Spam Bots.
Twitter: tiny packets of information, a sentence long, flung out into cyberspace. An unruly child, this, not subject to anyone and capable of wreaking havoc.
The other day, I tweeted my friend Bandsmoke: “I have finished work for the Christmas Holidays. Huzzah.”
And within seconds a small bot was at my side. It is an automated tweet, triggered by a word you include in yours.
This was the Huzzah Bot.
Every time someone says Huzzah, it pops along, broadcasts it to as many people as it can, and then introduces itself.
This is not the first piece of gentle word policing I have received. There is cliché monitoring, too: I wrote: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall….” a few months ago. And lo, the Mirror Mirror bot materialised, to let me know I had used it.
Brave new world, that hath such bots in it. Automatic sensors which could – if they ever chose -rule the cybersphere with a rod of virtual iron. Think: you could have the Double Negatives bot; the Abbreviabot; one could salute beautiful words and vanquish ‘Whatever’ forever.
I suspect that were he around today, the keen wit of Dr Johnson might already have picked up on the policing possibilities.
I await the next chapter in lexicographic cyberpolicing with wry amusement.
Photo source here
Kate Shrewsday 
I have a feeling that Dr J would have rather liked bots. However, I don’t think he would like the way some of his words are used these days. I’m often surprised by comments on Twitter, I don’t have the courage to point out errors or misspellings, but I do ‘unfollow’ tweeters who consistently use bad language. I’m sure Dr J would have been there in a trice, though (and probably with a #)
I have a feeling you are right, Nuvofelt. That ferocious intellect would not have been able to stay away 😀
The little bots would have a field day with my commentary, full of slang, abbreviations, non-words like gotta and getcha and YAHOOOOOO!!
As we know from Alice in Wonderland….”When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.”
“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”
“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master – – that’s all.”
Excellent point and one which had me chortling. What a wise old egg that Humpty Dumpty was.
And I’m sure Dr J would have abhorred pretend words from the world of management – gems such as “strategising” and “maximising the excellence ratio.” Don Watson at http://www.weaselwords.com.au offers a cornucopia of these.
Brilliant link, Wonderingpilgrim. We have a thing here called The Plain English Campaign. I love them from the bottom of my heart. There is nothing more calculated to make red steam come out of my ears than management jargon.
Fear not, for at least one word policeman is alive and well and living in my computer! 🙂
Little critter must have balked at the blatant use of “spam” in your post title, sent the entirety to Junk Mail, and posted a boxed warning on my screen that someone was surely on a Phishing expedition here….. 😉
Ha! I am Spambot, Hear Me Roar….
Isn’t it great fun to imagine the “what ifs”? I think of Helene Hanff and what it she were alive today? How would her letters to 84 Charing Cross Road be sent? I imagine her wit on the internet.
Oh, Kate, I loved this post. I don’t tweet or twitter, chirp or “whatever”, so, now I know what a bot is and I shall be sufficiently bothering my offspring with it when I get a chance after running from the lexicographic cyberpolice.
Helene Hanff. My absolute, total, utter heroine. I wonder what wry offerings she would have to have on the whole spambot business…thanks for the reminder, Penny. I feel the need for a spot of No. 84.
I started tweeting in 2008, and it was very hard for me to abbreviate. (This from a woman whose 72 year old mother sends her texts that read “How R U? R U OK?”) The only real abbreviation that’s stuck for me is MTM – a shortening of my husband’s name to 1. keep him from being associated in a Google search with the often ridiculous things I write and 2. have four more characters available to type said ridiculous things. (His full first name is Michael.)
I think Johnson would see the evolving of language as an interesting business opportunity. I hope he would develop a bot that would pop up and screech, “Seriously? You’re going to put THAT on the internet? By God, woman, if you’re determined to say it, at least say it this way. It actually sounds literate.”
ROFL (Oh dear, is a little bot on its way as I type) Andra, I’m sure you have his response right. He never did mince his words.
I don’t think that Dr. J would have liked the bots. He was a bit daring at times. http://agrigirl.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/developing-an-exercise-plan/
Your words “utilitarian elegance” are a perfect summary of what I believe that writing should achieve. Now, I’m off to huzzah for myself.
What an astounding bloke that Dr Johnson was. Ungainly, unsightly, with grotesque mannerisms, he had that rarest of things, a beautiful mind. Loved your post, Tammy, and what a wonderful pardon for us all.
Good luck huzzah-ing!
I don’t think I will ever be comfortable with Twitter. Firstly, I hardly ever go onto it. Secondly, I found I am following a heap of strangers and I can’t seem to find how to unfollow them. Thirdly, I really don’t have the time or inclination to struggle with it…, but at least now I know what a ‘bot’ is for what it’s worth, lol! Thank you, Kate.
😀 You express the feelings of so many. For years I didn’t ‘get’ Twitter. However, I feel sure the bots will not stop at the Twittersphere, and will soon be making with all speed for the world of blogging. Time to man the battlements…
Ah Kate – you have got me again – I’m too old for all of these abbreviations and jargons, but as adeeyoyo says I now know what a bot is or at least I think I do – thanks Kate.
Oh, Rosemary, thanks for bearing with it today….back to normal tomorrow 🙂
Ahar, matey! Because of your title, my email warned me that this was a phishing expedition and it would not allow access to your post.
I’m grateful for the security, but let’s hope it continues to be that good with the actual “droves of phishes”.
I wonder if Spell Check would have challenged Dr. Johnson’s sense of humour. I clickity-clack over the keys and note to my horror, after hitting the send button, that a word has been changed inappropriately with no little red line announcing an error. I probably transposed letters – my favourite dyslexic activity.
Yes, I’ve wondered, too, where ‘usage’ will all go and how far. When I run into respectful and artful use of our language it feels like putting on a silk gown after a warm bath.
What an apt description, Amy. Great writing is a pleasure to read. I am reminded again and again of Newspeak, from George Orwell’s 1984. Utilitarian is not always beautiful.
Might change that title….shame, it was so catchy….
Hey Kate, just wanted to let you know that you are a Preliminary Nominee for The Dark Globe Outstanding Artist Awards Writer of the Year Award, as Nominated by Egprobs… In the end, there will only be 5 Final Nominees in each of the 3 Categories, which will be determined on December 20th… If you make the Final 5 Best Writer of the Year cut, Voting for the actual Awards will begin December 21st through December 31st… And the Award Winners will be Announced on January 1st… To see your actual Nomination,and for the Official Rules, you can go here http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/the-dark-globe-outstanding-artist-awards/#comment-281
Gratz, and if you make the Final Cut, Good Luck! Either way, Kudos for being Nominated,
DarkJade
Editor/Creator/and one of the many Writers of The Dark Globe
Gracious. Thank you very much 🙂
“Higginbottom? Have you triple-checked? Last time she chaired a planning committee she was called Higginbotham”
— so many opportunities to get this wrong, hey? I can imagine a report where the name misspelled in different ways, on purpose. I like Hugginbottom. Patricia Hugginbottom would be such a marvellous name 🙂
And thinking of names being changed, the very best example of this was in Lolita, where her name is mutated into many others, but also his own name.
You’re right, Pseu. Name changing is a time-honoured pastime, is it not?
I can think of cruder but similar words for those bots.
The whole subject of editing and modern usage could inspire an essay of mammoth proportions. I have just read two successful novels of the last decade or so. Had they been submitted to me for editing, I would have carved them about ruthlessly. Unnecessary repetitions of words and ideas, as if the reader is a moron … (well, OK, maybe) lazy tenses, short choppy paragraphs which are even more underdone than the Dickensian overdoing, words used in the wrong senses, and even basic spelling and punctuation errors … These, mark well, have passed the scrutiny of well-paid professionals, and are then guzzled live by millions of unprotesting readers. What hope is there?
Col, I feel your pain 🙂 It must be frustrating, having been through the publishing process, to see a published book shoddily done…
Are the stars of Dr Sam and I aligned? I was born June 18. Ironically, I am at a loss for words.
That is admittedly unusual, Carl. You and Johnson. What a pair 🙂
Is that THE David Garrick?
You always do this: throw in some tiny but significant detail that distracts me from the rest of the post.
I love that about you 🙂
You bet it was THE David Garrick! Imagine them sharing a horse all that way to London 😀 Johnson ran a school in Lichfield, and when it closed they travelled together to the big city.The two were great friends. Johnson said of Garrick that”his profession made him rich and he made his profession respectable.”
I am so glad to know this!
I’m always in favour of wotever keeps writing gooder.
Sssh, Tooty! *glances hastily over shoulder* They’ll be after you!
Huzzah! 😀
Huzzah indeed, Nancy 😀
The question is: why do the bot-her? It’s a free-for-all out there!
It is: anyone seems to be able to get away with anything, BB…
Sub editor? I think that must be what we call a copy editor. It was a thankless job back when I did it and nowadays I get the feeling no one is even trying to do the job. The automated spelling and grammar checkers would be terrific tools if they weren’t wrong so often. At least, being non-human, they don’t suffer the stress and frustration of trying to police a language that’s developing and changing as fast as technology itself. Were I still fighting that hopeless battle, I’d probably be in an asylum by now.
The guys I worked for taught writing as a whole: they’d pick you up on accuracy and then tell you you couldn’t write a sentence because ‘it was clumsy’ or ‘it didn’t sound right’. Then it was a matter of going away and working it out for oneself: those who couldn’t, didn’t last long.
Lovely to hear from someone who used to be in the trade. So glad you never made it to the asylum.
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