I had better tread carefully today.
For I tiptoe gingerly around the hallowed subject of Essex.
Do you even know where I mean? How far does this county’s reputation travel?
Essex. Most ancient county: older than England, even. It used once to be known as Ēastseaxe, the Eastern land of the Saxons: sitting on the north bank of the Thames as the old river surges down to Gravesend and the sea.
Served by the Misery Line to the City, that accursed rail link which keeps men in perpetual commuting hell, this is nevertheless a county of great natural beauty, when it is not busy being industrial.
And whenever I meet a citizen of Essex they spend some considerable time assuring me that they are both completely normal and moderately intelligent.
Britain labours under the most monstrous misapprehension: that those who live in Essex are a certain ‘type’.
For a definition of Essex Girl, I turn to Time Magazine, and Michael Elliot’s Smitten With Britain(2007).
He writes: “In the typology of the British, there is a special place reserved for Essex Girl, a lady from London’s eastern suburbs who dresses in white strappy sandals and suntan oil, streaks her hair blond, has a command of Spanish that runs only to the word Ibiza, and perfects an air of tarty prettiness. Victoria Beckham – Posh Spice, as she was – is the acknowledged queen of that realm.”
Essex Man does not get a much better deal. He was a popular stereotype in Margaret Thatcher’s time: a working class bloke with just enough wealth to be flash, who voted Maggie every time.
Many explain the Essex phenomenon by saying a large swathe of London slumdwellers travelled out from London to be rehoused, after the bombing of their homes, in the new towns of Harlow and Basildon in the old Saxon Eastern Kingdom.
So, they argue, the character of the Essex people was changed forever.
But I have news for those who hold this view.
For they can never have heard of the little village deep in the heart of Essex, named Coggeshall.
Oh, pearl of the East: a village of almost four thousand, perched on the Roman Road, Stane Street, at the meeting of some fairly hefty ley lines, with almost 300 listed buildings; Essex’s Best Kept Village in 1998 and 2001-3, and Eastern England & Home Counties Village of the Year in 2003.
Yet folklore holds it has always- for centuries- been a village of abject bunglers.
So much so, that in our language we have a saying for a ‘poor or pointless piece of work’: a Coggeshall job.
There was grass growing on the church roof, so the fairy tale goes. And the villagers had the perfect way to solve this problem: they winched a cow up on to the church roof to crop the grass.
Once – the storytellers add – a rabid dog bit a wheelbarrow, and the villagers took fright, and chained the wheelbarrow up, in case it went quite mad. When there was not enough wind for the village’s two windmills, they would relate, the people of Coggeshall knocked one of them down.
Pshaw, you retort. This is pure legend. Just supposition.
But just look at what happened during the Napoleonic Wars.
Just like other villages, Coggeshall was ordered to raise an army of volunteers to help the national effort. This it did, dutifully. But it consisted of 20 officers: and three privates.
The school’s teacher, Thomas Harris, wrote a very funny play about it. He lampooned the whole business wickedly: but the Coggeshall villagers had the last word. they took their children away from his school.
I’ll say no more. I have said quite enough about the dwellers of Ēastseaxe, and in particular this rather lovely little village, with the oldest brick-built Roman structure in England, a place which has given Christ Church College, Oxford, one of its Deans, and Harvard University one of its presidents.
Reputations are easily gained and difficult to shake.
But it’s so hard to ignore a good yarn.
Kate Shrewsday 
Your posts are so fantastically interesting!
It’s all out there for the gathering, Julie 🙂
A friend of mine once described the Queen of Essex Girls as Slightly Less Common Spice which was apposite in describing both the friend and the subject:)
I shall think of that every time I see her now, Roger…
I knew about the cow, but the rabid wheelbarrow was news. No doubt it would have been safer to brand it as a witch and burn it at the stake.
Indeed. Like the poor Widow Common, tried as late as 1699 for witchcraft in Coggeshall…
Spurs Fan is an Essex boy- oddly, he’s never told me about Coggeshall. I wonder why not?
😀 Not the sort of stories you want to spread around if you’re from Essex. And while this was a well known saying in the 18th and 19th centuries I have no idea whether usage has spread to the 21st century…
Oh my, too many chiefs and not enough Indians, a problem we seem to have in abundance here in the Colonies. Very funny stuff, I will have to check with Mister Google for more goodies.
Enjoy, Lou.
Stereotypes are great fun as long as you don’t take them too seriously. The biggest thing that I hold against Essex is that their renowned seaside resorts have NO SEASIDE! There’s something wrong there for sure. 😉
😀 Nowhere to put the old bucket and spade, IE…
Exactly, right rip-off. No wonder they can dress up all fancy, kids and all! 😉
Dear Kate, it’s early morning here. Much earlier than I normally rise. A friend from Wisconsin is visiting and she had to leave here at 7 am today to drive from here to Columbia, Missouri, for an appointment with a specialist for Lyme’s Disease. Do you know that disease? It is tick-borne and quite horrible. She’s lost most of her hearing in both ears because of it.
Now none of this has anything to do with your delightful–as always–posting about Essex and Coggeshell, but I find myself wishing that she were here and could read your post and begin to meet the bloggers I’ve met in the last year. That would widen her world and she so needs that now because this disease she has truly is devastating. So peace to you and thank you for being a blogger across the pond who so entertains me and widens my own world. Peace.
Thank you, Dee. As you say, it’s good to have something to take your mind off roubles and discomfort. I hope things improve for your friend.
“…a command of Spanish that runs only to the word Ibiza,” has to be one of your best lines ever, Kate. I am still laughing.
This is a splendid tale. These stories give us a window into what came before us. They are such a comfort…….or we wonder how any of us got here in the first place……
Alas, Andra, that belongs to the TIME writer, but it is a truly wonderful thought, is it not?
I guess these stories show us there have always been bunglers. Or at least, those who wished to laugh at them.
The beauty of this is the use of English; every word counts. Love the little phrases, monstrous misapprehension, and tarty prettiness. Might have to use one of them!!!
Glad you enjoyed it, hopefully as much as I enjoy your footie reports, Laurence!
You bet. You remind me of an English teacher, Elaine Sihera that taught me to use words carefully. It was good advice.
Fun and charming as usual. The reputation of the Essex girl has made it at least as far as Seattle, Washington if that adds another useful pin to the map.
Hi Adam! Seattle, eh? My, news of Essex is a global concern…
You are a machine by the way. I can’t keep up with you!
I think our only impression of Essex are the sitcoms we get here 🙂
Oh, grief 😀 I feel honour bound to go down there and holiday, Tandy, just to show what it’s really like….
I love a good yarn, Kate, and the ones you spin are the best. Great posting.
Thanks, Penny!
I came across the Essex Girl on Wikipedia and then thought, “That explains Page 3 or 6.” 😉
It does indeed, Ralfast: it does indeed….
I was wondering what I could do to relate to the attributes of an Essex Girl, so thanks for the “Posh Spice” value…I got it! I know people who would think it wise to knock down one windmill to preserve the wind for another. Sad, but true. This is a great story. Coggeshall sounds like a fascinating place, with great history!
I have never visited it in person, Debra. I feel a holiday in Essex coming on…
Love the Smitten with Britain quote by Elliott . . . and this entire delight-filled romp.
Now, the breeze has died down, I need to halt one of our windmills from its appointed rounds. 😉
It is a priceless quote, isn’t it, Nancy 🙂
Watch that whole tilting-at-windmills thing…
All new stuff to me, and very entertaining, as always 🙂
How could Essex fail to be entertaining, Jennifer 😀
The windmill legend is so outrageous that it completely enchants me!
It rivals Don Quixote, doesn’t it, Col?
After your post, you might want to travel incognito when you visit Essex. Enjoyable yarn, Kate.
I shall don my dark glasses, Judy.
Just like POsh.
Give Kate an old yarn and she’ll knit a wonderful story 🙂
🙂 Thanks, Pseu…
Didn’t Thomas Harris also pen ‘Silence of the Lambs’? 😉
Wonder if they’re related, BB!
We have our share of ‘Sardarji’ yarns, but these are unbelievably delightful 😆
They really are bonkers, aren’t they, Madhu?
Coggeshall is a brand new word for me but I believe I shall latch on to it.
It has a ring to it, Tammy…