Mission Impawsible: a cat called Clive Bond

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When we gave our cat half the name of a top fictional spy, we did not expect espionage.

You don’t, when the subject is a cat. What are they going to do, use impossibly soft fur to seduce Russian lady cats into giving away the secret locations of important national centres of vole activity?

Don’t be daft.

We had Clive down as very beautiful, but rather dim. Perhaps we were too hasty to judge this book by its cover. Because improbably, incredibly, Clive Bond is beginning to act more and more like his namesake.

His mission: to go on a walk with the dog.

It is something we cannot allow. Because to walk the dog we must cross a very main road, where cars fly back and forth. Zero tolerance, people.

I have written before about the way Clive’s ears prick up the moment the dog’s name is called. Clive likes the dog and the dog likes Clive. When we call the dog’s name, the cat puts into action a plan of such Machiavellian cunning that it fair takes my breath away.

So; I call, and Clive is suddenly in the porch, in a now-you-don’t-see-me-now-you-do fashion. And with a little cat-enchantment the cat starts music playing in the mind. It’s like he presses the play button and the Mission Impossible theme begins to play.

So the door opens and he flies out. He knows I am about to try and scoop him up and put him back inside so it’s a double-tumble and a dive underneath the car.

I curse under my breath. There’s not getting him out. I hitch the affable dog up to a lead and we pad off down the path, but I know what’s coming next.

Super-spy cat darts past us, and he knows I’ll make a lunge so he reaches the gate at lightning speed and slips effortlessly though the fence posts.

He sits down calmly and waits for us to walk through the gate. Throws us a bone, so to speak.

It is here, at the t-junction with the forest path which runs behind our house and parallel to the main road, that he tries a little misdirection. He goes all nonchalant and turns and ambles the opposite way to us. Left. Oh, your way? he communicates, I’m not quite clear how he does it; No, I’m not going your way. I’m going another way entirely.

So we turn right, and I know what’s coming next. Past us hurtles a black streak. He knows I’m after him so he throws himself, commando-style, under a bush and waits for us to not notice him and walk straight past.

This afternoon, I glanced at Phil. Bond had got a very long way. I handed the dog to my husband and launched myself through the air, grabbing the cat. I got him.Somewhere, in some layer of my consciousness, the cat said, “Merde.”

I bagpiped him back to the house and put him in the porch. I hollered to the children to let him in.

Clive Bond was unimpressed.

Captured once again.

 

Today is the last day to vote for Macaulay the dog and I to go forward to the top ten shortlist to be considered to walk Britain’s footpaths for Penguin Books. If you haven’t voted, please click here and vote for my un-pen-name: Kate Pitt. Many thanks.

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28 thoughts on “Mission Impawsible: a cat called Clive Bond

  1. We used to have a lady in our complex who walked her cat with a body harness. I do believe you have to start them almost from day one to succeed with this.

    Enjoyable story. Fab photo.

  2. Kate, it seems to me that you have got to first put Clive someplace before you shout out to Macaulay that it’s time to take a walk. Even if this means making his suffer the indignity of being bagpiped in the confines of his own home. The bathroom sink is a favorite hangout of my friend’s two cats. You might also eliminate the Mac shout-out completely. If you just show him his leash, I’m sure he knows what that’s about.

    I just checked the contest and you appear to be #9. I hope you can continue to get more votes to stay in the running! Good luck my friend!

  3. Oh, I do lurve that cat! Really, to hell with what the neighbours think – I say get Clive a shoulder harness (you know, a surrogate gun holster contraption!)! I’ll bet you’ll have no trouble picking him up to cross the main road, in his harness, out on a walk with Macaulay. Then of course the trouble will start when Mac wants to snuffle muddy scents, and Mr. Bond decides it’s time for a chase … 🙂

    Managed to get another vote in – hope everyone else tries a second and third time too – we just need a little surge and you’ll be in for sure. Fingers crossed Kate – you’d be terrific 🙂

  4. Clive is approaching legendary status. He and his namesake would have made a good team. “Bond, James and Clive,” the sign says. How does Clive like his martini…shaken or stirred?

  5. Hi Kate, I used to take Buster across to the pub to buy ciggies, many years ago.
    Puffin the cat used to walk with us, through and around the hedges, wait in the church porch while I and the dog went over the road to the pub, then rejoin us for the journey home. Bond has a predecessor!
    Dad

  6. The Mission Impossible theme played through my head as I read the entire post. LOL. It’s still there, as a matter of fact. I’m convinced that cats are smarter than humans, or at least better at sneaking. Perhaps a cat leash so he can walk with you?

  7. Reblogged this on The Dancing Panda and commented:
    Kate is a wonderful writer (as you can tell). Please use the link at the bottom of her post to vote for her in The Wayfarer contest so we can all enjoy a summer of her adventures. The deadline to vote is midnight on June 24.
    Thanks!

  8. Clive Bond is quite a handsome chap and resembles our neighborhood spy, Midnight, who has taken to sleeping in, what else? the cat mint, which is our big flower island. Unfortunately, wrens are nesting overhead and come out like commandos, bombarding poor Midnight, as he slinks about. Quite a site to see.

  9. And to think he’s not yet old enough to order a martini! He’s a fast learner . . . 😀

    I’m watching the numbers with bated breath today, Kate. I so want you to end in the Top Ten so that MacFarlane has a chance to choose Macauley (and you).

  10. Dear Kate, Just a wee private word (although loved the post, as I am owned by several cats) ~ Do you know if Mr. Macfarlane looks over the top ten finalists and re-looks at their videos and written entries to then decide who will win or is it just now to be based on amount of votes? Between you and I. and not to be mean spirited, but really do not think I could bear it if a certain person who currently has the largest amount of votes actually wins this. Been to his website to try to learn more about him and well, will just leave it at that. If only I had a huge social network (never thought I would wish or have a reason to wish for such a thing) but would love to see you win. Still hopeful though ! best of luck, Valkrye

    ________________________________

  11. “And then one day when you’re playing your little game you’ll suddenly find yourself pinned down like a butterfly.” ~ Ian Fleming Or, like a bagpipe!!

    Loved that phrase, Kate! I could just see you!

  12. I have begun to picture him in Ninja clothing! Sophia wears quite the Tae Kwon Do garb when she’s involved in sparring. There are so many ties…perhaps Clive could be fitted similarly to keep the persona going, but the many strings could also function as a harness and lead! If I can design it, I’ll let you know, Kate! Would you say he wears a medium or small?

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